Although I haven’t really felt very unwell in the last few months, I’ve been increasingly tired. This is pretty annoying because I barely have the energy to get out of bed – while it can be fun to spend a day in bed from time to time, for me personally it just feels like a waste of a day. I especially dislike napping, especially because the combination of being constantly tired and a bit of an insomniac just means I’ve become somewhat nocturnal. Strangely, this seems to have got a lot worse since finishing radiotherapy – I thought the feeling of everything revolving around being ill might go away a bit when I wasn’t having to go into the hospital everyday, but it did at least mean I had some structure. Now I feel like I just sleep until the next meal, eat again and then go back to sleep! (Apparently this was what I did as a baby…)
I’m hoping that I start feeling a bit less tired but next week is (I think) a chemo week, so who knows? I’m very fortunate that I haven’t suffered from that many side effects – aside from the tiredness, and a few headaches and times of being sick, I generally feel better than I did before diagnosis (which makes answering the question “are you feeling better?” almost impossible!)
The fact I’m feeling so tired does have the advantage of being a constant reminder that I need to pace myself – this week I’ll be missing one of my favourite conferences, but I’m hoping to be able to follow it on Twitter. I’ll miss seeing people but I know that I wouldn’t be able to do it, purely from an energy perspective even before having to work out access! Not being able to do things I barely thought twice about a year ago is hard, but people have been so kind and several people have promised to live tweet it! It can’t replace everything but has one very important advantage – I don’t have to choose between sessions as I can follow them all!
I got to celebrate my brother’s birthday (which is actually tomorrow, the 8th) on Friday, so that was lovely – even if he is turning 24 and I don’t feel old enough for that! My other brother went back to uni yesterday, and hopefully I’ll be able to visit him soon – again, so much is energy dependent at the moment, but perhaps I just need to realise that I should hold myself to different standards, and not expect that I can walk three miles to the cinema or spend an entire day working then go to the pub afterwards. Some days, coming downstairs for a few hours is enough.