String Bean Jean, Pt 2

Cw: weight and food

(Read this if you want to know some of the background, although I will inevitably end up repeating myself a bit)

I’ve been thinking a lot about food lately. Part of this is just because I think about food a lot of the time anyway. Partly it’s because I recently finished the wonderfully written Eat Up by Ruby Tandoh, which is a book I’d recommend to anyone – it deals with intersections between food and queerness, food and race, food and class. It has lots of ideas in it that I hadn’t thought of before, and I’ve had quite a lot of time to think! If you haven’t read it yet, and it seems like something you’d be interested in, please do read it because it’s definitely worth it! (I’ve even been thinking about getting back into baking since reading it!)

I haven’t really stopped putting on weight since the last time I wrote about this. I’m still a size that I can actually get hold of relatively easily, and I know that makes it a lot easier for me, but I got so used to using food as a form of control, which it no longer is, really. It’s both an advantage and a disadvantage of having your meals made for you! (Not that I would ever complain about that!) One thing is that it makes it difficult, if not impossible, to skip meals or pretend not to be hungry. It has proved to be very expensive though, as it has meant that most of my old clothes no longer fit at all.

The main advantage of putting on weight is that I know it means that I’m eating much more sensibly, and my sense of self worth is (mostly) not related to how much I weigh. I’m able to eat three meals a day, I can have snacks and not worry too much about calorie counts. I say ‘too much’ because I don’t think I’ll ever be completely able to completely not think about it. It doesn’t help that weight is EVERYWHERE, particularly for women and girls. It’s almost as difficult to escape as cancer adverts!

Being unable to exercise properly means I don’t always have the best idea of what happens to my body when I eat – before surgery, I was regularly walking long distances and now I walk up and down the stairs (which I can still do, go me!) – I can walk very short distances but not very much at all, certainly not in comparison to what I used to. But I need to get better at actually believing what I say – I think I’m quite good at saying the right thing, but less good at actually believing it.

So, I’m going to spend the rest of the day reading, watching the final episode of Orange is the New Black and eating (we accidentally have far too many eggs, so I have volunteered my services!)

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