The Worst Joke Ever

(The title of this blog is taken from an REM song from their album, Around the Sun. I was between that and calling it ‘That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore’ – but much as I’ve always been a fan of the Smiths, thinking about Morrissey makes me angrier than it should.)

After my last post was a bit on the morbid side, I thought I’d share some of my favourite jokes. I’ve never thought of myself as particularly funny. I can sometimes make people laugh, and that’s sometimes intentional, rather than them just laughing at me. I was once described as ‘funny for a girl’… All the side-eye to that comment, of course!

So, what’s your favourite joke? (Apart from me, obviously!) I have three go-to favourite jokes, one of which is apparently so awful that I say it all the time just to annoy people. If you know me in real life, you are probably painfully familiar with this one:

‘Subtlety is my middle name. It’s also my first and my last, in case you didn’t get the message’.

I tell this joke at any possibility, which might have *something* to do with why most people I know think it’s truly awful!

My second joke was my favourite when I was very young, and really just serves as proof that I didn’t understand the concept of a punchline. My favourite video at the time was a Playdays one, and there’s not much I can remember now, but I do remember one of the ‘jokes’ on it.

‘What did the puddle say to the rain?’

‘You can drop in anytime!’

For what’s already not the greatest joke in the world, I managed to ruin it by not getting that the punchline was meant to be linked to the question. I’d go around asking ‘what did the cat say to the dog?’ or ‘what did the dinosaur say to the dragon?’

I do actually genuinely think this third joke is genius – once again, it isn’t a Debbie Original. I got it from a joke book I had at the age of ten or thereabouts. It’s quite long and probably fairly culturally specific!

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, ‘Can I have a pint of beer and a ham toastie?’ The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and this time asks for a pint of beer and a cheese toastie. The barman gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, in walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a mushroom toastie, please barman.’ He eats them, then promptly drops dead. That night, the rabbit appears to the barman in a dream. Terrified, the barman asks him ‘how did you die?’

The rabbit replies ‘mixin’ me toasties’.

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